Hey Eiynah,
I intended to write this letter for a very long
time, in part, because I wanted to let you know how glad I am that you exist in
this world, but mostly because after reading, seeing and listening to your work, I peddled to
be a liberal again, only this time better, more empathetic and listening. When
I left my faith as a Muslim woman from Pakistan, I had soon found myself among a hostile community. This made me bitter and lonely with depressive
periods coming my way. At that time, atheist and secular bloggers were under
crackdown by the government, and having to live in constant fear was something,
I never imagined could come my way. Gradually, my political leanings begun to
shift towards the Western right, because that was the only ‘community’ which
could recognize and hear me. In a short span of time, I went from ‘left does
not listen’ to using words like ‘cuck’, ‘regressive left’, and ‘libtard’. Not
only did I not realize that I was being used as a scapegoat—a convenient
narrative feeding off of my misery and frustrations, but I had been tricked
into thinking, mostly by the New age rationalists, champions of reason,
boasters of facts, that a bunch of college students and their angsty hormones
were the biggest national threat to Western civilization. That being angry at
social inequalities was worse than inequalities themselves. So much for their
moral relativism. I had remembered then, how in my own country, people used to
look down upon my college—the very education which made me question my faith
and become aware of political and social forces of Islamism—and used to say how
we were getting ‘brainwashed’ to look through discrepancies of Muslim
societies. For them, education was brainwashing, and this was a theme shared by
Western conservatives as well, where ‘calm’ ‘rational’ adults were sucking off
on the immaturity and childishness of teenagers and college students. The exMuslim
community is predominately right wing—people who laugh at left for considering
personal experiences, but who admire Ayaan Hirsi, whose entire work and discussions
are based on personal experiences. If there is anyone who nourishes from the
personal experiences of atheists, women and LGBT in Muslim countries, it is the
New Right, albeit for all the wrong reasons. People who otherwise justify patriarchy in West will suddenly rant
about patriarchy in Muslim countries. People who otherwise don’t think
transsexuals and their harassment are that big of an issue, will suddenly
forward social media posts about how transsexual community is treated in Muslim
world. People who otherwise are blind and deaf to racism in West or think it is
over will suddenly become experts on the Sunni-Shia dynamics of Muslim world,
like the Hindu nationalists who think just because caste system is abolished,
means caste discrimination is over in South Asia. According to these people,
hundred century long institutions and fractionalizations can be ‘gotten over’
in a few decades. ExMuslims overwhelmingly side with these people, and then
complain about Western liberals and leftists not taking them seriously.
Heck, even I have a hard time taking them seriously. The logic ‘Muslims treat
exMuslims like shit, so we should make sure Muslims are treated like shit, that
way Muslims surely will take us very seriously’. Of course, that is totally not
a college-student level immature approach.
It is true that people like me, have to
constantly live in fear of our lives. I also know that brown liberals have it
worse than Western liberals, which to my hilarious surprise is identity
politics, the kind which right wingers engage in even though they deny. I hate
it when conversations about minorities in Muslim countries are silenced by
bringing up equally problematic injustices elsewhere. But it is also not a
far-fetched truth that we are often scapegoated to silence the home issues in
the West.
Liberals, no matter where they are from, have one thing in common—the
tendency to look inside first before looking outside, which means criticizing their own societies before anything else. They see what others around them miss.
They can cut through the cloths of social, political and religious dynamics of
their own societies. And so, when I am reflecting on how Islamism sustains itself, a form of institutional ideology systematically perpetuated by
religion, state and school textbooks in Pakistan, there is a reason moderate
Muslims can’t see it. For them, being Muslim is just practicing religion, when
in fact, being a Muslim in Pakistan that too a Sunni Muslim, that too a man,
comes with invisible brownie points which they themselves are not aware of, apart from the fact that the State affords them first class citizenship. It is true
that I get enraged when Muslims cannot understand how their own ideologies and
societies contribute to Islamic fundamentalists and provide a cloak to them,
and how beliefs they consider ‘just a belief’ have consequences over and above
their own selves. However, I feel equally infuriated when Western liberals
conversations about race, urban poverty or violence get hijacked with ‘oh what
about the slave past in Islamic history’ or healthcare and women issues get
taken by ‘oh look Muslim women have it worse, and since you are not getting
stoned to death therefore crying about healthcare or reproductive rights ain’t
a problem’. That would be the last thing I want to hear in such a dialogue.
The essence of liberalism does not involve
standing up for your own self, but standing up for others and others standing
up for you. This is a lesson I have learned with most difficulty. This was even
more difficult than questioning faith, coming to terms with the hostile
surroundings and debating people at the risk of my own life. When one is full
of bitterness and hate, they can’t see above their own misery and situation. The
changes we talk and hope for is going to take tens of years, it is gradual
process which involves what many are not willing to give. To side with New
Right, is to plough your own feet. To condemn religious fanaticism, but to
defend nationalistic chauvinism is probably the greatest intellectual sin one
could commit. To condemn Islamism but to defend fascism or Nazism is probably
the greatest hypocrisy one may ever display. Being in a situation where my life
and identity is at stake, I could choose to be bitter or empathetic. And it
took sheer discomfort, even more than that of the uncertainty of my life, to
choose the latter.
For this, I thank you. For a very long time, I
lamented at the lack of good brown atheist women role models, but now I have
found one. Please continue to do what you do, and if you ever feel hopeless,
just know that you are probably the only sensible person in exMuslim community.
Also you are not alone, as a few other exMuslims are shifting away from the
opportunistic, pseudo rational, and past romanticizing place which New Right
is. Though, other atheists are naïve that they harbor conservative beliefs or that they have picked up the talking points of right-wingers, almost like moderate Muslims are.
Regards,
Rushi Jae
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